I decided many years ago that I wanted to go for a Doctorate. I’m not sure what came over me to finally take that first step, but here I am, several years into the process … and I’m still unsure. It has been a struggle, and I’m only halfway through.
Having ADHD and being Bipolar has brought additional layers. I guess I convinced myself not to acknowledge those at the beginning. It was as if I started the Odyssey without first checking my ship or what resources I had aboard. I just set off, telling no one and with little preparation. That’s often how the chapters of my life read, just a bit sudden and chaotic. I just go.
Very few people know I am attempting to earn my doctorate; none of my family save my two adult children and a handful of friends. I use the term friends loosely here as they are more acquaintances with whom I have little contact. Sometimes I feel safer sharing with strangers. That and I have few real friends… okay, maybe two. We speak every few months; they are that type who can just pick up where things were left off months ago as if it’s no big deal. They accept that having ADHD it’s just how I am. My executive functioning sucks; between ADHD, Bipolar, and Dyslexia, my frontal lobe is a mess.
Few also know of me being Bipolar. My parents know but don’t understand, my siblings do not know, nor do I share it with others. I want to clarify something in identifying myself. I have ADHD, and I am Bipolar. I do not have Bipolar; I am Bipolar, and it is part of who I am. I have learned to accept it and even find its own unique value. It makes me who I am, which I’m finally learning to “love” ~ as hard as it is to say that word. Maybe I’ll just try to appreciate it first; love is a tough one for me.
I started journal writing for my PTSD and just the “sorting out of life.” It has helped tremendously, so I thought I would also use it for this adventure. One can maybe view it as a captain’s log. It’s a way to document my journey so I can see the progress. But I have also thought it might be helpful to others, hence writing it in a blog. I am a timid, private, humble person, so this is another challenge of mine. I don’t want it to come off as arrogant as if I think I’m so special to have a blog. One of my “whys” is to show others who are Bipolar that we can accomplish more than we thought. I had believed I was a failure my entire 50 years, I felt doomed, and no one “like me” could ever earn a Doctorate. I don’t want others to feel that; I want them to see people like “us” can do it.
It just might look a little different from what we have been conditioned to believe it has to be. I told myself things such as, I don’t talk like a doctor, I don’t act like one, I don’t wear the right clothes or haircut, and no one would respect me as one. I’m not doctor material. We try to conform to the ideals and standards of what society holds, so we can appear “normal.” I am not “normal,” and my Odyssey is one that does not take the usual route. I never have been traditional.
But just because I don’t fit into the mold doesn’t mean I can’t make a new one. I want to show others it’s possible and that we do not need to do it “their way.” It just means it’s going to take a bit more effort to forge our own way to the destination … the Doctoral Island if you will.
Distorted Clarity 