I did this video this AM when I remembered I had written something down last night. I did not realize how much I ramble, nor how raw things still are about my last teaching position. I obviously have work to do in that area, something that needs to be addressed prior to going into the field. I am very emotional, which can be a blessing and a curse. It gives me empathy and an ability to connect, but it also is overwhelming and prevents me from doing anything with that connection. I get lost in it all.
I also just posted my video from yesterday, and in watching back, I see that I thought I had resolved the “problem statement” yesterday. I do not recall that and have nothing written down. Seeing it now, it jogs my memory and the track I was on, but today I see how wrong it was. This makes me wonder if tomorrow I’ll realize that today was a mistake as well.
I am definitely slipping into some type of up or down. I can feel that it could go either way at any moment. I hope I go manic but without losing focus, so maybe I can get things done. My manic side has a lot more confidence or just goes so fast that the “other voices” can’t catch up to it to drag it down with negative self-talk. But it is also revved up, so that logic and reasonability get left in the dust. This is when I would often get myself into “situations.” This recently happened a few months ago, and it was not pretty, and damage control had to be called in. Thank god I’m never running for office.
The other concern is that I get spun up on something, get hyperfocused, and balls to the walls, all in. This can happen with a person, which is scary, and I come across as crazy. My manic side is a Know It All and refuses to slow down and just KNOWS it’s right and things must happen, and it’s going to be this way, and it just goes and does everything she can to get it. Relentless and irrational. I like Manic when she’s in a productive, somewhat grounded mode … if there is not a person around for her to fixate upon. The last time I created an amazing scheduling system, had charts and colors, and magnets on three different whiteboards. I had pages and pages of drawings of schedules and different levels of tasks, and … it was involved. Ordered a ton of office things and got everything ready… this was it, this was the scheduling solution that would solve all my problems, and this time it would stick. By the time the special markers and post-its had arrived, I wasn’t even sure what they were for and could barely manage to set a wake-up alarm.
This is a long video, but it explains a lot, I think. Some stuff I didn’t even realize. I also contradict myself a lot. I keep changing my viewpoint on certain points. Part of that is that my perspective is always changing. I see things from many different angles. One reason why it’s so hard to make decisions, nothing is just cut and dry. I can make arguments on both sides of an issue. I will also forget that I just said the opposite five minutes ago.
I have issues I need to address… but part of it is just me, and they aren’t issues; there are actually benefits to having the abilities this bipolar/ADHD brain gives me.
Distorted Clarity 