Waiting

Okay… I think having my one friend moving away today maybe has caused some stress. they had to charter a medivac flight to lower 48, crazy money but they need to get him home before it’s too late. I often wonder what I’d do if I got cancer. I don’t think anything, not even say anything. Just get in my stepvan with Cody and drive away. I’d arrange something for him to get back to the kids for the end. But… idk.

So, I have absolutely NO ability to regulate my emotions. Like zero and I hate it. I’m not sure how I’m suppose to build that up in the times that it’s falling apart. I hate this feeling. It’s just a sickness in my blood, into every cell… and I hate it. So why is it so hard to believe that I hate myself when I literally hate my blood.

I know I’ll get over it… I always do. Even before I knew what “it” was. At least now I know that it’s that and I have a name to call it… motherfucker. Its just the pane of my existence. But its always there and I just have to deal. I’m so tired of dealing.

Waiting for girl child … I do t want to go to gym … yet I do. I want to just max out the weights and tear my muscles apart trying to lift them in order to replace this feeling with something… anything. But of course I’ll just stay in the corner … afraid.