We are going to get it back .. not try,.. do. but it’s hard.
To go back to lazy and sorry for self, lost and not even seeking anymore, Yes, I was sick and I couldn’t go to the gym, but I didn’t have to fall off everything.
Because I had promised myself and I broke that promise, and the self hate talk started again, the voices grew louder, they found a foothold.
So while I couldn’t prevent the situation of not being able to go to gym, I could of worked out here, it just wasn’t the “perfect” setup. That perfect voice fucks me up every time.
So, it sucked but what did it teach me? What came out of it? What did I learn from it, even though it knocked me down? I now know working out is a big component to my mental wellness and staying balanced.
I played the victim … oh poor me, I’m sickl. BULLSHIT!
Back to my morning routine, writing and motivational /music / affirmations / self talk. I know it’s cheesy, like I need a SEAL, Commando, Barat, Ranger .. yelling at me … well, I do.
But they are not tearing me down, which they normally do. But these build me up.
New concept … encouragement from a male voice.
Sad I have to get it from YouTube, still feels a bit empty. But I use what I have, I do it by myself for myself, to hear it from the external. Something different, drowning out the past deep voices.
Its nice to hear it from a man … encouragement, kind words, belief that I am worthy and have something of value to offer, not to them, but to myself. A voice that is not demanding anything, but giving me faith.
A male voice not calling me crazy, knocking me down, calling me weak, laughing at me … but telling me I have value, lifting me up, believing in my strength, cheering for me.
Imagine that … so until I eliminate the voices of hate inside, I will listen to an artificial voice outside of myself.
New concept … encouragement from a male voice.
I’m not crazy … fuck all those small weak men who called me crazy. They have no idea … no idea. You can’t hold me down anymore. I always get back up. ALWAYS. You may be physically stronger, but you’ll never be as strong as me.
So yes … I am alone. So what. I’ll figure it out.
Distorted Clarity 