I don’t think I posted my “losing my shit” videos after I received my graded paper back and the freaked-out emails I sent to Mr. Sir Professor. Probably a good thing. Freakouts are never a good thing to be viewed. But gotta love how I have absolutely ZERO control of my emotions or ability to regulate anything; take a breath a see that maybe it wasn’t an attack on me personally.
I’m always so embarrassed when they happen, the emotional freakouts, which at the time I feel completely justified and righteous in proceeding to send. I do this with texting people as well – mostly the man du jour or whatever. Feel like what I have to say needs to be expressed right now and no I will not step away and wait 30 minutes before I hit send.
When I do this, I then put myself in a position of shame and apologize and feel like shit, and am deserving of any criticism they have, including calling me batshit crazy. No matter what, even if I had a legitimate reason for why I felt how I did, or if I was actually wronged and treated with disrespect, or what have you. All of that is irrelevant because I freaked out. I have voided myself and left to grovel and beg for forgiveness for my craziness. I become indebted and shamed.
I wish I could regulate my emotions; people think it’s as easy as taking big breaths. But at the moment, there is no reasoning with myself, as I am convinced I am logical and rational, and right. I become full of ego and usually feel disrespected or misunderstood or … idk. When it’s regarding any type of personal relationship – i.e. men, it’s just way out there and usually driven by fear.
It’s stupid, I know. And there’s a part of me watching who knows as well. I hear her, telling me to slow my roll, and take a beat; I don’t need to do this. But in an odd twist, I convince myself that she is the weak one who has been shamed into inaction, which spears me on even more. It’s all very … messy.
This used to happen a lot when I worked for the school district as a special education teacher, and I was so impassioned about my students. I would just get all fired up and send these emails, which could have become a legal nightmare, and I don’t fault others for taking me to task on it. I just get so emotional. I didn’t realize then that I was bipolar, or that my ADHD was as severe as it was. One would think as a SPED teacher, I would have clicked into that.
Not sure what I’m blabbing about – procrastinating from having to do my work. Which doesn’t make sense to me – I love what I want to conduct my research on. I want this; it excites me – so then why am I so apprehensive to just sit down and write the research paper? I’ll never understand myself.
Wait – this was only to talk about my panic at the salon – how did I get to so many paragraphs – just absent random thinking. I curse having taken that typing class so that I can type without a second thought, and it all just flows out. If I finger-pecked, maybe it would allow time for my reason to engage, and I wouldn’t send off damaging emails and texts.
Oh well – I think I’m over the haircut thing. What can I do about it anyway? I actually don’t think it’s too bad today, now that I’ve had a sleep on it. See what happens when you just slow down and not react right away. See what happens when I listen to that lady in the corner who says to wait a bit. I need to listen to her more, or maybe give her a taser to zap me as I’m whirling up.
Distorted Clarity 