Haircuts… haven’t really gotten one in years and years. Just been wearing it long, on shoulders, all one length for years. Mistakenly did the bang thing, and been hacking away at it for months.
But today we went to try and get it professionally done. I’m quiet and don’t talk much and can’t really explain what I want. As if I even know. I see it on my head but there’s no way to send a mental image. I wish I could, life would be so much easier.
So, I left it in the hands of this cool dude who I could tell had a grasp of style and fashion where as I can barely see a passing glance at what looks good. What do I know… look at what I walked in with!
Now I’m in shock… it’s short and my flippy floppy front bangs that I’d play with are gone. As I sit here waiting for my daughter to get hers done I try not to play with it. I’m scared to catch my reflection I want to hide, but I don’t want him to feel bad, so I pretend.
I don’t use product I don’t know how to style, it feels strange. I’m not sure how to run my fingers through, my nervousness has no outlet. And in fact I’ve only grown more self conscience.
I feel like my life has always been a new haircut I’ve tried to figure out. Somehow I want to work that into a writing. But my life is like constantly trying to get something right, not being able to communicate, leaving it to others, and come out lost and uncomfortable. It just doesn’t fit.
Why do I always do this? Keep trying to make myself better… only to walk out the door on the edge of tears wondering why I can never get things right. Why I can’t get what’s in my head out into life.
My life is like that haircut you thought you wanted but doesn’t fit on you and you have no idea how to style it. So I just sit, hands over my face, peeking out. wondering how long I’ll have to wait to feel me again.
And when I do… I’ll say to myself it’s a mess, you need to go get a hair cut.
My life is a mess, and I want to get it fixed… but I am clueless how to style it.
Wait wait wait … this isn’t what I wanted.
Rewind rewind rewind… why did I do this? Panic is setting in. No no no, take it back, this isn’t what was in my head. Rewind. I am panicking inside. Make it go back! Why the fuck did I do this!?!? What the fuck did I even try to be better?!? What was I thinking?
My life is a mess, yet every turn I take to make it better is a mistake. Rewind rewind… gasping at my hair in the floor. Put it back. Give me my mess back. This isn’t right
Distorted Clarity 