Author Archives: Calypso

Panic at the Salon

I don’t think I posted my “losing my shit” videos after I received my graded paper back and the freaked-out emails I sent to Mr. Sir Professor. Probably a good thing. Freakouts are never a good thing to be viewed. But gotta love how I have absolutely ZERO control of my emotions or ability toContinue reading “Panic at the Salon”

My life as a haircut.

Haircuts… haven’t really gotten one in years and years. Just been wearing it long, on shoulders, all one length for years. Mistakenly did the bang thing, and been hacking away at it for months. But today we went to try and get it professionally done. I’m quiet and don’t talk much and can’t really explainContinue reading “My life as a haircut.”

A child named Fear.

I’m not sure what’s in my head, I want to write on this but it’s spinning so much and I can’t get it slow enough to see or hear to make sense of it. There’s just so much up there in my head and it’s always trying to sort things out. I wish I couldContinue reading “A child named Fear.”

Dark Day Feb. 26

Sunday was one of the darkest days I have had in a bit .. meaning like a few months. Again, I’m not posting the videos of me talking to myself down off the ledge… for obvious reasons. But it was honestly the only thing that was keeping me connected to “reality”. Being a bipolar motherContinue reading “Dark Day Feb. 26”

Trying to hold myself together. Feb. 24-25, 2023

Another grouping of bits throughout day. I used this earlier to try and figure out what turned me down into dark “end of days” zone. It was not a pretty weekend. Rapid cycling sucks, being a bipolar Mum sucks, living this life and not being able to control my brain and emotions and moods andContinue reading “Trying to hold myself together. Feb. 24-25, 2023”

My Day in Bits – Feb. 22-23

Snippets of the days for tracking and documenting… I imagine there are parts that are duplicates from single videos. Again…. boring as fuck to someone else. This is only for me. I used these videos yesterday in trying to trace back to find out what my moods were and what had happened. I often forgetContinue reading “My Day in Bits – Feb. 22-23”

Rough Night – Sad about son.

This really has nothing to do with my schooling. But I did a quick video last night for my tracking, and I was disappointed in myself about how little I had done during the day. I felt myself starting to drop. Unfortunately, with bipolar, you’re never sure if it’s just a normal bad day orContinue reading “Rough Night – Sad about son.”

Being Loyal to yourself.

The other day I said I was loyal to someone even before I really knew them, and I thought of it as an attribute of mine. Like it was something they should appreciate. Later I thought about it and realized how unfair that is to myself, and it really isn’t loyalty at all, but someContinue reading “Being Loyal to yourself.”

I am Bipolar ~ STOP calling me crazy.

I am done with people using that word so freely around me. I use it for myself because I like being wacky and goofy and silly, so that’s the crazy I call myself. But that’s not how others mean it. So if you were to describe me to someone and say I’m crazy, you’re makingContinue reading “I am Bipolar ~ STOP calling me crazy.”

Talking out the articles … processing

**** I am posting here so it doesn’t get lost in my hard drive of chaos **** Again, another attempt to figure out methods to help me remember what I was thinking. I was so excited after the gym, and instead of just going about my day, I wanted to get my ideas down beforeContinue reading “Talking out the articles … processing”

Working Memory, Research sites, routine … no more boo hoo.

So with my working memory I have to run through things multiple times, in different ways. So I process it over and over through different modalities and then it will finally stick a bit. So while these may be boring, I am experimenting if this is a method of helping me remember and solidify myContinue reading “Working Memory, Research sites, routine … no more boo hoo.”

Panic attack and suicidal thoughts.

I felt this was important to share – in case anyone is watching. Panic attacks are common, as are intrusive thoughts. My PTSD can disrupt my sleep, but this was different. I was wide awake and freaking out watching it all. The thoughts were excruciating, and the shame overwhelming. Sufficating and utter fear. I think it’sContinue reading “Panic attack and suicidal thoughts.”

Not sure if this helps at all …

Rambling organization, highs & lows, personal relationships, self-worth, and time… it’s just all over the place. I’m not sure if this is helping at all. Maybe getting over myself and the camera phobia, but not sure it does much good for helping me be more productive. I’m not really sure about anything at the moment.Continue reading “Not sure if this helps at all …”

I forgot I had figured the problem statement out … this is not pretty.

I did this video this AM when I remembered I had written something down last night. I did not realize how much I ramble, nor how raw things still are about my last teaching position. I obviously have work to do in that area, something that needs to be addressed prior to going into theContinue reading “I forgot I had figured the problem statement out … this is not pretty.”